From The Bootleg Archives
Published 10/15/94
Volume I, Nr. 7
As you all know, The Troad, later referred to as the Land of
Troy, was the north-western promontory of Asia Minor. Local beat
writer and resident homeboy, Homer, never actually called it
Troy. In Homeric legend, the early ancestors of the Trojans were
known simply as "Troes" and were ruled by this most
excellent dude named "Priam" (a failed local disk drive
entrepreneur). In an epic ten-year gridiron battle, the
Greeks kicked Troy's tail, avenging the abduction (by Priam's
Honorable Mention All-Asia-Minor son Paris) of Menelaus'
hot-looking mega-babe-wife, Helen (aka: "The Trojan
Trollop"), it was the formidable "Achaens" (an
early version of the Thunder Chickens) under legendary Cardinal
signal-caller Agamemnon (Consensus First Team All-Macedonian and
Second-Team Academic Panhellenic), who ultimately brought about
the destruction of Troy. OK, so Helen was a Greek (Kappa
Kappa Gamma in fact), but we needed the alliteration! While
"that Think Tank on Figueroa", as Walsh commonly refers
to $C, may not qualify as a universitas magistorum et
scholarium, it is true that the Trojans have some
serious football tradition. They have been playing football
for thousands of years. In their inaugural season, the Trojans
lost to the Greeks in the now defunct "Ambrosia Bowl",
when Sparta Prep product Zeus hit "Crazy Legs"
Schliemann on a 121-cubit touchdown bomb with only three grains
of sand left in the fourth quarter hourglass! Virgil also carried
the stone (literally) 14 times for 266 cubits for the Greeks,
earning MVG honors (Most Valuable Greek). Latter-Day Trojan
alumni include: John Wayne, Orenthal James "Say it ain't so,
Juice!" Simpson, Marcus Allen, Charles White, Mike Garrett,
Lynn Swann, Todd Marajuan-ovich, Cheryl Miller, Harold "Baby
Jordan" Miner, Freddy Lynn, Mark McGuire, Ted McGinley (He's
the pretty-boy airhead on "Married w/Children" (a TV
show we refuse to admit we have ever actually watched!), Nixon
Chief of Staff H.R. Halderman (one of "the Prussians")
and Nixon's "Dirty Tricks" guy Donald Segretti.....We
were very disappointed that The Juice's Heisman Trophy, jersey,
etc. were removed from U$C's famed Heritage Hall prior to charges
even being filed against the man! That was un-American! $C
officials claimed the banishment was "for security
reasons". We read "we need to disassociate ourselves
from the guy". Actually, after an uproar from alums, they
ended up putting everything back in the Hall, only to see Juice's
Heisman and game jersey STOLEN right afterward in a break-in. If
you love college football, that has to make you very sad! We'd
like to find the guy who stole O.J.'s stuff and slice his head
off with a hunting knife!! Still, even if O.J. is guilty (which
we refuse to assume if for no other reason than to piss off the
whining and increasingly annoying Ralph Barbieri of KNBR 68, who
seemed willing to turn on the gas without even a trial), we are
prepared to forgive #32! Hey, everyone makes mistakes! We know
that taking this position will generate outrage among Stanford's
expanding community of candy-ass Political Correctness, but that
is precisely why we're doing it!