15. Texas Longhorns
Nickname Origin: A brash, showy cow with, yep, long horns. Women in Texas model their look on this.
2012 Low: Routed by Oklahoma once again, allowing 63 points a week after West Virginia put up 48.
2012 High: Bounced back from that loss by beating Baylor, holding them to a paltry 50 points in a typical Big 12 video game affair. But is it really a high when just four years ago they had a 12-game winning streak against those same Bears?
Recent Arrest: WR Cayleb Jones broke the jaw of a Texas tennis player who had the nerve to speak to his ex-girlfriend. Given that it’s Texas, charges were reduced to a misdemeanor. Transferred to Arizona in August after a host of schools vied for his services, which tells you everything you need to know about big-time college football.
Famous Alums: Eli Wallach, aka “the Ugly”, had his part in From Here to Eternity stolen by Frank Sinatra and his mob friends, which later inspired the Johnny Fontaine character in The Godfather. Mary Lou Retton, annoying pixie who borrowed Earl Campbell’s thighs to get on a Wheaties box. Tommy Tune, openly gay dancer, choreographer and director who brought a Texas whorehouse to Broadway.
14. Notre Dame Fighting Irish
Nickname Origin: Short Irish guys like to get drunk and fight, a concept proudly embraced by the Catholics running the school.
2012 Low: Dead heat between their ludicrous No. 1 ranking going down in flames in the national title game spanking by Alabama and the revelation that ludicrous Heisman finalist Manti Te’o didn’t have a dead girlfriend after all.
2012 High: Huge comeback in triple OT to beat Pittsburgh, aided by a fourth-down phantom interference call, to save their undefeated season and thus allow them to get steamrolled by the Tide.
Recent Arrest: In 2012, QB Tommy Rees was arrested for under-aged drinking and assaulting a police officer. He was pepper sprayed and it required several officers to restrain him. For this, he was suspended one game in which he wouldn’t have played anyway. This fine leader of men is now their starting QB, as previous starter Everett Gholson is no longer enrolled after being suspended for “poor academic judgment,” which is code for cheating.
Famous Alums: None.
13. Oklahoma State Cowboys
Nickname Origin: Unconfirmed rumor that legendary basketball coach Henry Iba favored leather chaps when cruising Stillwater led to name change from Aggies after Iba’s second NCAA title in 1946.
2012 Low: Perhaps feeling a bit cocky after their silly 84-0 opening game win over Savannah State, the Cowgirls got smoked 59-38 at Arizona (in the Cats’ highest point total in 5 years).
2012 High: Probably the January 1 rout of a “how the hell are they bowl eligible” Purdue in the Heart of Dallas Bowl. Remember when New Year’s Day bowls were reserved for just the top teams? Boilermakers end up 6-7, 3-5 in conference.
Recent Arrest: Not much to speak of, a handful of alcohol-related infractions, a couple moving violations, possession of a pot pipe. Pretty much everything boils down to: “We are young and bored in Stillwater.”
Famous Alums: T. Boone Pickens, their version of John Arrillaga, but with a silly name, three ex-wives and his name on the stadium. Gary Busey, poster boy for motorcycle safety. Rickie Fowler, color-blind golfer.
12. LSU Tigers
Nickname Origin: Typical of so many things in the south, dates back to the civil war. The rare North American tiger used to roam freely in Louisiana until captured by a pair of gay Germans and forced to perform two shows a night at The Mirage.
2012 Low: Scored only 23 points combined in losing their two biggest games of the year, Florida and Alabama. Coach Miles should work his name into a slogan: “LSU, we score Les!”
2012 High: Narrowly avoided the humiliation of being Auburn’s only SEC victim with one of their typical, coma-inducing 12-10 wins.
Recent Arrest: Leading rusher Jeremy Hill for punching a guy in the side of the head outside a Baton Rouge bar. The quantity of alcohol-fueled incidents among football players brings to mind this exchange from M*A*S*H, when Colonel Potter was introduced as the new CO.
Potter: I gather you drink.
Hawkeye: Only to excess.
Famous Alums: Pete Maravich, ball hog. James Carville, political lizard. David Duke, political Nazi Klansman.
11. Florida State Seminoles
Nickname Origin: Native American tribe originating in Florida, FSU got around the NCAA ban on offensive names by getting an official endorsement from the Seminoles. Given that the 2000 member tribe has over $1 billion in revenue and owns the 153-location Hard Rock Café chain and seven casinos, clearly there had to be some type of payoff involved, or at least a cross-marketing deal. (Present your FSU ticket stub for free garlic toast! $5 off game day parking with any bingo card!)
2012 Low: Undefeated and ranked third, up 16-0 at halftime, the Noles get scalped by a point at NC State on a last-second TD and dropped out of the top 10, never to return until the post-bowl polls.
2012 High: Yes, they were. Three-year starting CB Greg Reid was released from the program during summer camp after his possession arrest. That was his third marijuana-related incident and led to coach Jimbo Fisher lamenting what he called a “pot epidemic.” But his statement about disadvantaged players -- "When they step into their house, people are smoking marijuana like you do cigarettes from the time they're three years old until they're 18” -- might have been a tad over the top. Everyone knows you don’t give kids matches and weed until they are at least five.
Recent Arrest: WR Greg Dent for sexual assault of a longtime friend (apparently not one with benefits), “with no physical force or violence to cause injury.” But before heaping on the abuse, some digging into the details reveals a friend from high school, sleeping together in the same bed after a night out clubbing, she frequently stayed over, he tried to have sex, she said “no” twice. We all know that “no means no”, but c’mon girl. I don’t know the exact age at which you stop sleeping in the same bed with a member of the opposite sex, but I do know it is way before that bed is located in the guy’s apartment! Two dummies.
Famous Alums: Hunter S. Thompson, pharmaceutical experimenter and Vegas loather. Robert Urich, Vegas actor. Lee Corso, ESPN’s attempt at lamp shade on the head comedy. Burt Reynolds, college roommate of Lee Corso who briefly made Trans Ams cool.
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